On social, things seem magical. Easy. Effortless.
Susie with her perfect skin, perfect body, and perfect business. Mary with her yacht, amazing view and kids that never fight. Eva with her perfect marriage and supportive husband.
All the sudden we feel this pressure… dang.
If I could only have a successful business I’d be happier, like Susie. If I had more money and my kids were angels 24/7 my life would be complete, like Mary. If my husband would step up with the kids I could finally lose weight and feel worthy, like Eva.
You don’t see the panic attacks that Susie is having because her perfectionism is silently killing her.
You don’t see that Mary is 100K in debt because she’s afraid of not keeping up appearances.
You don’t see that Eva’s husband had an affair and they are trying so hard to repair what is broken.
Look. I too tried to do it all. Have the clean, tidy home. Raise my own babies with intention, run a thriving business while scrubbing toilets, folding laundry and getting dinner on.
It resulted in burn out, panic attacks, and a bunch of stuff done, but nothing done well.
The notion that you SHOULD be able to have it all, while DOING IT ALL BY YOURSELF is a straight up lie, sis.
STOP BELIEVING THAT EVERYTHING YOU SEE IS TRUTH. No one’s life is perfect. NO ONE.
Here’s my truth and I hope it becomes yours….
I (and you) CAN have it all. We DESERVE it all. But it won't always be perfect, and you absolutely can't DO IT ALL by yourself.
It's time to stop holding yourself to a pretend, societal version of 'success' and 'perfection'.
Join me on today’s podcast where I explain HOW you can have it all, but why you can’t do it all. Where to start on the journey to real FULFILLMENT which starts with... wait for it... normalizing HELP. Normalizing REAL-LIFE on social media. Showing up in our mess, our what-ifs, our busy, our insecurity... and putting a stop to the LIE that she has it all, while doing it all by herself.
If you like when I get RANTY, this one's for you. Not to mention it might be one of my top 5 favorite episodes, ever.
Love and light,
P.S. If you enjoy this episode, be sure to share a screenshot in your IG stories! I will shout you out on my stories! Yeahhh!!!!!
Full transcription available at the bottom of this blog post.
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FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPTION:
Hey girl. Welcome back to another episode of the show. Today, we are going to talk about something that I'm probably going to get pretty fired up about, and that is the fact that I do believe you can have it all. However, I do not believe that you can do it all. Welcome to episode number 71.
What's up mama boss. Welcome back to The Mompreneur Mastermind Show. I'm Stefanie Gass, success strategist and passive income queen creator. If you're ready to step into your God led potential, create profit from your passions and capture the success that is already yours. This podcast was made for you as always. You can find out more and connect with me over at stefaniegass.com. So grab that cup of coffee or fill up that glass of wine. And let's dig in to today's show.
Let's check into the review of the week. This is a five star review leftover on iTunes. Titled love, love, love by K L Schuster 10. I follow Stephanie on Instagram and I absolutely love her podcast. She is so down to earth and real I've gone through struggles and hearing her words brings me hope and confidence that I can be a successful. Mompreneur thankful for a mama like Stephanie to pick me up. Christie Schuster. Thank you so much, Christie. I am so grateful for you and every single one of you that has taken time out of your day to go to iTunes, leave me a written review mamas. This is so important for our mission. Our mission to inspire, empower, lift other mamas up that are trying to balance motherhood and have a successful entrepreneurship experience, right? And if you leave a review for me, guess what?
It helps the ratings of the show. It helps other women find us. It helps incredible guests be interested in us so that they can come on and pour their hearts and wisdom into all of you. So I am asking you with a big, please attach to it with the cherry on top. If you haven't left a review, pause this episode real quick and go and do it. I love you. Thank you. You rock and PS while you're there. Be sure to subscribe to the show because as soon as I publish a new episode, you are the very first person to get an alert on your phone and hint. Sometimes it's the day before everybody else knows about it. So do it. So let me rewind back to this morning, my friend and this episode is dedicated to charity green. Hey girl, what's up? She and I were at the gym this morning and we were running laps in the pool, not swimming because doggy paddling technically wouldn't count as swimming.
And then also we wouldn't be able to talk while we doggy battle. So we are running slash jogging laps in the pool because we were so sore from our workouts earlier in the week. And we got on the topic of getting help, how we as women need to have, have help in our lives. And that can translate into many different areas. And let me tell you a bit about charity. She has three girls. She's a stay at home. Mama she's married. Her husband has a great job in the insurance industry and they're Christians. They are great people, charity, half homeschools. So she has a ton on her plate as a very, very present stay-at-home mama. And she told me that she has a housekeeper and also has a nanny that comes to help her out. And this nanny also helps do laundry. And I think that's amazing.
Well, charity confessed to me that she was telling one of her girlfriends about it. And this girlfriend tells her must be nice to be you. Whoa, like hold up, like hold the daggers of shame, like thrown straight into my heart. And my friend, you know, she had mentioned, well, I don't bring in any income and not that she was feeling like that was something to be embarrassed about or that just because she stays home, she shouldn't have any help, but because she felt like she had to hide it. Like if I tell people that I have help, they're going to judge me and guess what she was, right. Second, she shared with somebody that she had this nanny, they said, must be nice. Like, let's just hold the phone for a second on this one, because we need to dissect this issue for sure. Why do we as women and mothers and female entrepreneurs and stay at home moms and whoever we might be, feel that because we need and or want help, whether that be with our children in our businesses, for ourselves automation, our own sanity, whatever that means.
Why on earth should we feel bad about that? Right? Like if a man says, I need some help with something, so I'm going to hire someone or I'm going to outsource something or I'm going to put my children in a full day program. Their friends are looking at them and saying, well, that must be nice. Peter, do you guys get this as females? Why is it that we, I feel like the only way to be right worthy and to be successful is to do it all ourselves. I'm just going to call BS on this one really am. If y'all think that all those fancy accounts that you're following on Instagram, all those celebrities that you're watching, all those people that are entrepreneurs that are making six or seven figures in their business or that amazing mommy, Instagram blogger. And, you know, she just says, I must stay at mama.
Do you guys think actually thing that all of those very either financially successful or brand successful or influencers actually do it all. Absolutely not. Okay. Look, when you get help, you are then able to create more space in your life, more happiness in your heart, more time for your business to live, honestly, at a much fuller capacity. And let me paint a picture of my life for you. Things I get help with. And I do not apologize for getting help with these things. Okay. First off is my kids. I have a lot of help. I have two small children, five and a half and two and a half. If y'all think that I never have helped with them. But yet here I am recording this very successful podcast, creating online courses, meeting with clients, writing content for social media. Then what planet are you? You live in on like, truly, I don't mean to be harsh, but I'm saying don't believe the lies that social media tells you because it is just that it's a facade.
It's a pretty picture. Painting a lie of a story for you. That Susie over there with her perfect Instagram posts and her six-figure business has no help. And she just magically waves her wand and everything falls into place for her. And she makes all of this money and she has all of this success. You guys that is not what's happening. So in my own life, I have a gym daycare that I leave my children in while I work and work out. Right. And they have a mommy's day out program where I can pay very inexpensive amount to have time away from the gym as well. I'm very blessed to have a retired father who helps me at least once a week. My mom helps us on the weekends and have an extremely supportive spouse. My husband watches the kids all the time. Last night, he watched his own children and hung out with them and played while I did a podcast interview.
He's going to be with our kids tomorrow, all day. He's then going to be with them on Saturday morning, I have a client and I have an interview. Okay. So you need help with your kids. If you are going to be a successful business owner, period, I'm sorry. Like there's nothing way you can be present intentional and raise your babies without any help at all. Okay? Because then you're going to try to record a podcast episode, or you're going to try and do something for you and feel resentful that you have no help or your kids will be a back-burner and you will have them out, you know, head down in the iPad while you get something done. And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. I have been there, but it is so much easier to raise your hand and say, Hey grandpa, Hey neighbor, Hey Jim, can I work something out with you to watch my kiddos while I get something done?
And guess what? When you don't have your kids, you're going to be so much more effective in the production and in the efficiency of what you're putting out into the world. All right, second things I get help with. Second thing is my home. I have house cleaners that come every two weeks and I've talked about this very publicly ladies. I never felt like, Oh, I should hide the fact that somebody comes and cleans my home and I can see where women feel that way they might feel like, Oh, but I feel bad. Cause not everybody can afford that. Or I feel bad because I'm a stay at home mom and I don't bring any income in. So why should we spend money on a house cleaner? Like I am expected to do that. So I'm going to do it all myself, even though it doesn't serve me, I am stressed out.
I'm overwhelmed. I'm overworked along with picking up all the toys every day, all day for hours. Yeah. Day. I'm also going to deep, clean my toilets on Sundays all day. Like you guys, why? Okay. So I said, hello, I am Stephanie gas and I have a house cleaner. And I've had one for the past three to four years. And there was a time. Let me tell you when we couldn't afford them. Remember when my business started falling apart back in 2015, 16, I've shared this story with you guys multiple times, husband was like, so how much are those house cleaners? And I said, listen, I will give up eating out. I will give up organic this or that. I will figure out a way to find that money in our budget somewhere. But I am not negotiating on the house cleaning because it creates so much happiness for me and hours and hours of effort per week that I can put into my zone of genius and my calling, which is inspiring, motivating and lifting all of you up and changing lives. And I feel that if you have a big calling on your heart, you should be spending the most, a activity and productive time in that space. And he was like, okay, okay, boss.
Okay. So I get help with that. Lastly, what else do I get help with my business? I am not running my business 100% by myself. Now. I was for a very long time because I love my bed Smiths. I don't love to clean my house. So I would actually rather spend money on house cleaning than on getting stuff outsourced in my business. Initially, when you're looking at budget and saying, well, where can I spend? And we'll go into that in a minute. But here's what I have helped with. I have an Instagram manager, I have a podcast publicist who runs all of my external and internal interviews. She does all the correspondence, the research on the shows we want to be on. She helps me with my guest process. It's probably something like 10 or 15 hours a week. I don't know something like that.
I also invest in programs for my business that are automated. And I have a graphic designer on contract that helps me here and there. And probably other things that I'm forgetting. Right? So here's the I'm lying here. How can you have the most full cup? The most fulfilled you, if you are running around feeling guilty and shameful about wanting and needing help. And now I get it. You're probably thinking stuff, but what about the money or staff? I would never have my spouse support me in any of those things or stuff. Where do I start? How do I get help? What's the first place that I should ask for helping. All right. So let's, let's dig into those things here and see if I can't help you define this. So first is what about the money? I hear you SIS. Okay. Believe me. You guys have heard my story.
Like I have been there where cashflow was legit, nowhere to be found, but yet here I was still getting help. And I want you to first recognize that some of these things you can get help are completely free and let's start with your kids. Do you have any friends or family that you trust that can help you with your children for free? Or do you have some friends that you trust that you can do a swap with their kids, kids, and sometimes you watch their kids for them and then they watch your kids for you. It doesn't have to be expensive. My Jim has a daycare option where you can do these mommy's day out programs and it equates to like three bucks, six an hour ladies. So get resourceful. If you need help with your children, this can be a free or a very inexpensive option.
And if you're like, Oh, I feel so guilty. I can't ever leave them with anyone else. Like, Whoa, sister, friend. Like you gotta really check yourself because there should be no guilt. Absolutely none. That's tied to you growing your money. And you're calling on this earth. Even if that mission and calling is just to create more space in your heart that day so that you can be a better fuel mama the next day. And you need a day for you. You need some self care. You want to go to the sauna. You want to, you want to run laps in the gym with your friend. Do you want to go get your hair cut and die? Do you want to get a facial? Why are we shaming women for self care for the design or to grow businesses and be profitable and make an impact on the world?
Again, I call BS on this, right? It's okay. You have my permission right here. Here's your permission. Slip, SIS, get some help. But those babies and guess what? They're going to have fun. Trust me. My kids like cry. I pick them up. They're like, wow, I want to stay. I'm having so much fun. And I guarantee you, they're having way more fun at that gym daycare or with pop pop or PA or with daddy at Chick-fil-A than they are sitting at home with mama while she's trying to create content on the computer for that hour or two. Do you see that? So I want you to get rid of the mama guilt. I then want you to get resourceful and I want you to start with free. Now that really gets rid of your money. Excuse, but you can also do this. If money is tight by exchanging or swapping goods or services, and this can work for your home or your business, like for example, if you needed a photo shoot done.
Okay. Okay. And you were going to use these photos for something you could swap your coaching services, or you could swap your health and wellness products. That's right. How can you swap with them? People that can help you. For example, I had a bunch of furniture, really great furniture. We were going to sell it on Craigslist. And my house cleaner said, Hey, Steph, are you getting rid of that? And I'm like, yeah, I am. I'm going to get rid of them on Craig's listen. They said, can we swap? And so we ended up doing a swap and I had the, the value of the furniture that they needed. And then we equated it to how many cleaning times that I could get my home clean for that amount of money. And it worked out perfectly for both of us. It was a win-win. So again, get resourceful.
Do you have something that you can trade or sell or a service that you can offer in exchange for help? Okay. Now here it is the bottom line that I'm going to get, dig you a little bit. You might be like, Ooh, ouch, stuff like that. How important is it to you? Do you want to get your house clean? Yes or no? Do you not? I want to do the deep cleaning in your home every two weeks or even just once a month. How important is it to you? Is it going to create happiness and your life? Will this create more time in your day? If those things answers are all yes. Yes. And yes. Insist to yes. Then hear me. You can always find the money. The money is always there. Money is a renewable resource. I promise you money will always be present.
If you have an abundance mindset. If you ask the Lord for the provision, for the things that will serve your call, all the money will be there. And I want you to think about are the things that I'm spending money on that maybe I can live without. Do you go to Starbucks every couple of days, get rid of it. All of a sudden you've got a house planning budget. It's amazing. Do you accidentally buy something on Amazon once a week? Stop it. Do you really need those leggings that you saw on that Instagram ad? Probably not. It's getting resourceful again. If there's something that you desire, that's going to help you with your kids, your home, your business, your life, find a way to make it happen. Okay. So that's the money piece. What about spousal support staff? I'm very blessed. I have an amazing spouse who 90% of the time is very open and supportive to what I want to do.
Okay. And he's a nine on the Enneagram, so that might help you understand him. He's the helper. And he loves to help. And he's very selfless and I'm extraordinarily blessed. But I do realize there are certain times where he doesn't understand and I have to let him sit on something for a while, or I have to have a reasonable explanation as to why this is the right choice either financially. Okay. Or when it comes to time or my business. I understand that a lot of you are and may be dealing with this in lots of areas of your life with a spouse that simply doesn't quite understand. So how do you handle this? What I like to do, you guys is before I ever go to my husband and say, Hey, I want to hire someone to clean my house. Because I think that like, most people it's, well, how much does that cost?
Right? Like none of us just have thousands of dollars just sitting around, ready to throw out the window on a whim for a dream. Like I want to buy a boat today. Oh, great. Sally, you take the 20 K in the mailbox. Like that didn't make sense, but you guys know what I mean? It's just not the way we think as humans. And so instead I think about how can I present this in a way where he's going to not just understand the why, but he's also going to understand that it's not going to be a sacrifice or a financial implication for us. And if it is what's that long-term return on investment. Okay. So for example, husband, I want to talk to you about something. Okay. And make sure we're in a good mood guys. Before we do this, I'm serious. Like mood and energy has a lot to do with how successful a conversation's going to go.
So wait till you're in a good place, you're in a good space. It's a happy moment. You're having fun, having dinner, whatever you're doing, but the energy is right. And you can say, husband, listen, or wife, listen, I would love to hire a house cleaner. And before you say, no, I have an idea of where that money's going to come from. I'm going to have a garage sale. And I'm going to start a little Craigslist business where I'm going to sell a couple things every month. And I'm pretty sure that I can make the income to pay for this. Okay. So what have we done guys? Oh, and the why, because I really wanted to create some more space so that I can continue to build my Etsy business and cleaning takes up so much of my time. What did we do here? So we came to our spouse in a good time.
The energy felt right. We presented what we want and why I would like to hire a house cleaner. And before you say, no, hear me out because I want to have more time to build my Etsy business online. That's the why. And I have an idea for how we can pay for this. Now, whatever that idea is that you have great. Maybe it's you got that extra raise. Would you mind if we put that towards the house cleaning or I'm going to start, I'm going to have a garage sale. I'm gonna start this little Craigslist business. I have an idea for buying some things at Goodwill and reselling them. Like how can you think of a financial solution for what you want so that your spouse can get over the hurdle? And let me tell you what happens most often here, three to six months in, and probably three months in spouse really enjoys that house.
Cleaning and spouse also really enjoys the new Etsy income you're bringing in. And spouse also enjoys how happy you have become since you're not doing everything all by yourself. And then it just becomes part of the norm. Okay? Now that's kind of how I handle almost everything with my spouse. Now, granted, there are some large investments that can help you in the future, in your business. That might seem a little audacious to them. And so my other tip for you for spousal support is to plant a seed. And also sometimes it helps to get their advice or let them think that it's their ideas. Some, a reverse psychology here. But for example, there was a large investment I needed to make into some webinars software that was going to automate webinars for me over a thousand dollars per year. And you have to pay all at once.
And so I said, listen, husband, what do you think about this? Let me, let me, I just want to walk through an idea with you. There's a software and it can create evergreen webinars for me, where I don't ever have to go live and it can sell my products for me at the end of the webinar. I think this would be a great addition to my business, but I'm a little bit nervous because it's a thousand dollars a year. Like what do you think? Do you think that this would be a good idea? And he's like, Oh yeah, like that sounds amazing. Like, I think that would be cool. Let me think about that. You know? And so he ended up saying like, Hey, this would be a great month for you to invest in that program you were talking about. So it's all in how you present ladies.
And this goes for everything right now. Here's the other one for spousal support that we need to talk about. Your kids, those of you that are stay at home mamas, I've always brought in an income. So I think I've always had the stance that I have an equal say when it comes to the household and the kids and you guys know me, I'm kind of a feminist like 10%, I don't know, but I can also totally understand where you're coming from. When you say I'm a stay at home, mom, my passion is my children. I don't bring in any income at all. And yet I'm asking my spouse to pay for me to get childcare. And for some reason, there's this really strange stigma that you have that that's wrong or bad, or because you stay home, you don't have the right to get help with your kids.
And I want to again tell you that I absolutely do not believe that to be true. I believe that to be limiting beliefs that you have embedded in your mind and your heart, your spouse has learned from their childhood or whatever. It's not right in reality because you still have passions in your heart. And it doesn't matter if they're money-based and business-based or not. Do you have a passion to go and serve and volunteer at the church? Do you have a passion for going and taking yoga so that you can have a mindful break in your day? Do you have a passion for cooking and you love to go and spend time at the grocery store and pick really incredible organic produce and go home and recipe create what lights you up. And I want you to know that you have permission to do those things, even though they may not be income producing and that it's okay to sit your spouse down and again, in the right space of time, say, Hey, there's something that I think would really create happiness for me.
And I think would be really fun. And it would light me up and bring me some more passion in my life. And it would be to, you know, start cooking again or to go take some yoga classes. And would you mind stepping up with the kiddos while I, while I do that, do you guys see how, like, I phrase that in a way where it's not, you never take care of the kids. It's not pointing fingers. It's not from an angry place. It's from a place of love. It's from a place of happiness. And if you phrase it in a way where they can understand the benefit fit to you, I want to do blank because I feel like it's something I've been missing and it will create so much happiness for me. Do you think that spouse is going to slam you shut? Like in a mean negative way and if they are like, Whoa, Nelly therapy, but I think most people are you able to say, Hmm.
And they may have to think about it for awhile. Cause sometimes my husband does. He's like, I don't think so stuff, but then maybe a few later or a month later, if I can casually bring it up again in the right way, he says, cool. Right? Like if there's something I really truly want, and I think that it's going to benefit my soul or my business or the sanity of me and my kids or whatever he's going to give in to that. And he's going to understand, even if it takes a while for me to get him there, I really hope that that advice was helpful. As far as your spouse is concerned. And whether you have a female spouse or a male spouse, I have dad for noise listening. You can use those tactics with anything in your life and really you guys, it comes down to communication.
It does. And also a lot of that help is free, especially if your spouse can step in. And even if they can't step in, if you can find an option that is inexpensive or a friend swap or something like that, I think there's so much less justification that needs to be made because a lot of times the hurdle is the money to spend on blank. But again, the money's always there. I promise you if you inventory your spending SIS, you will find it. You will find it. Okay. So where do I start stuff I want help now, like you've inspired me. I need help because I want to do all the things and I'm ready to jump into my business and I'm ready to invest and self care and I'm ready to do the things that light me up, but where do I start? Cause I need help everywhere.
I know I love help. Help is like the best ever. It was the most beautiful thing. When I said ego, you know, sit down, sit down, like help is necessary in order for me to live my best life. And I'm going to throw away the guilt and shame associated with it because I think we should actually know normalize women standing up and saying, I am just as important as anyone else on this planet. And I get to have dreams and I get to go out there and make a difference in the world. And I get to do the things that make me passionate and excited about my life because guests, what you only live once. And if you are not going to stand up now and ask for help so that you can take the steps to have the best life possible. Then when on earth are you going to do it?
When, so it starts with one thing, just one. And I recommend that you start with the thing that you like the least or so for me, that was house cleaning. So in tandem to house cleaning, cause that was what I liked the least. Okay. It's also, what do you need the most? And I also needed some time. I needed time away from my babies to have very productive work time, want to work all day every day with them in 10 minute increments while I'm cooking a chicken nugget, trying to take a phone call. I wanted to be intentional with them so that I could be a very present mama and create more memories for both my kiddos and for me. So I wanted that, but I also want on it two or three hours a day where I had zero interruption, zero distraction. So I could just get the work done, just get it done and be really great at what I was putting into the world so that it could create a ripple effect and a change and help people in a much higher capacity.
So I in tandem said, where can I get help with my humans? Right? And so here's what you do once you identify the one place that you either need to start or want to start, what do you do? You decide and you say it out loud. I am getting help with blank. Is it your kids? Is it your business? Is it your home? Then you get resourceful. How can I make this happen for free or inexpensive only? Or can I trade for this item? I have a friend. You guys, she is an Instagram influencer. She trades for everything. I am talking like she gets photo shoots for free. She gets products for free, like hundreds of dollars in things she gets help for free with her little, like she is resourceful and she's not spending money to do it. And so you can figure this out, put on your phone, thinking hat and say, where am I spending money that I don't need to be spending it.
Do your research, ask for referrals. You can do this. Okay. Now I that, so that's what about the money? What about my spouse? I've smashed all of your excuses except this one that you feel shamed. Okay. I feel so shameful about this. Let me just say we as well. And you, as part of my community, we have a duty to open our mouth cause and say, I have help. I have help. Let's normalize, help. Let's normalize, outsourcing things. Why have we put this label on it? That it's bad if we aren't doing it all, if you're so brave helped me define this new narrative that it is not only okay, but it is actually normal to not do it all. And that in order to have it all, we must step aside and say, ego, sit down while my hand goes up and says, help me please.
Right? And finally check your words. Are you shaming anybody? And why are you the one saying must be nice. And if you are, where is that coming from? And how can you rewrite that feeling in your heart? And is there a way that you can, you can get some help and become part of this new wave of guests? What we are powerful women and we can actually have it all. And heck no, we are not going to do it all ourselves anymore. Praying for you, SIS. I know this is a lot to take in. I pray that you are able to receive this message with an open heart, that if you need help today in your life, in your business, in your heart, in your mental health, in your weight loss journey, in your business and your bank account that you sit down and you jot out that list and you pray over it, ask for God's guidance, his favor, his provision. He is faithful to you. He is faithful. He will show up for you. If you ask him to that, you get out of your own way that you recognize those very toxic, negative feelings of guilt and shame and release them and let them know that they're not welcome in your heart and in your house anymore. I believe in you. I am cheering for you as always loving light. Stef.
Lots of fancy unused education. Podcast Coach, Clarity Coach, & Top #25 Ranked Podcast Host for Christian Entrepreneurs.