Disclaimer: It’s about to get awkward…
I’m going to talk about BOOBS. So if that freaks you out, scroll on sister.
I considered not sharing this journey. Why? Well, it’s embarrassing and it makes me uncomfortable.
Which is exactly the reason I know I have to share it.
°°°·.°·..·°¯°·._.· deep breath ·._.·°¯°·.·° .·°°°
At 21 I got breast implants.
I was an immature young adult. Consumed with important things… like vanity, superficial affirmation, and validation based on my looks. Alongside my insecurity, lack of self-confidence, and search for external validation, I was dating someone that continued to mention (however delicately) how I would look “more balanced and proportionate” if I had implants.
Somehow this idea planted itself inside my subcontious and I thought, why not?
I went in for a breast augmentation consultation, saw how good my T-shirt looked when I put size D plastic bags inside my bra and decided right then and there to do it.
The surgeon didn’t take time to explain the pages (and pages and pages) of legal jargon I had signed... that when you place silicone or saline plastic bags inside your body, you are doing so in front of your most vital organs, your heart and lungs. That you will be going under general anesthesia, and literally risking your life. He didn’t stop to mention that every 8-10 years, you will reinvest another $6,000-$10,000+ to get these plastic bags replaced. He didn’t stop to mention that there are SERIOUS health risks associated with implants ranging from anxiety and depression to BIA-ALCL lymphoma cancer and literally, everything in between.
And you know what?
That’s OK. I don’t blame him now, and I didn’t know any better then. And to be honest, if you had warned me? I don’t think I would’ve cared.
I put down my credit card and I charged $6,000 so that I could “be more balanced” and look just like the Victoria Secret model’s picture I had printed out and brought to the appointment… bless my 21 year old heart.
A few weeks later, the surgeon put me fully under, cut open the fold underneath my breasts, and wedged 350 cc underneath my pectoral muscle, right in front of my heart and my lungs.
Thankfully, I made it through this invasive surgery and recovered... not an easy recovery I might add.
To be honest, (cause let’s get real that’s with this post is all about) I liked my implants for a few years. Other than the fact that when I worked out and would lift weights, they would be distorted. They felt like aliens. Imposters in my body.
But heck.. at 21-23? I would show them off, go out and party, and for a short burst of time, felt great about my new body.
But as with anything else, self-worth does not come from the outside.
That guy I was dating? He just found other parts of my body to criticize... (Don’t worry, I got rid of him and God blessed me with my life love… once I realized my value and learned to love myself, INSIDE and out).
As I grew older, I became self-conscious of my “big boobs”. I started to wear high neck shirts, and I had to wear two sports bras anytime I did high-intensity exercise.
They were heavy, so heavy. Then I had kids....
After gaining 60 pounds with both of my pregnancies, and nursing for two years, the esthetic was quite frankly? Awful. I love my breasts for all of the miracles that they provide, nourishing my children for example… But I hated those huge, heavy, plastic bags.
As I crossed the 10 year mark, I began to experience anxiety attacks. While searching for all natural cures online, I stumbled across a podcast talking about ‘breast implant illness’. Or more realistically, it was divine intervention.
I started to do more and more research, and found that there were tens of thousands of women experiencing illnesses related to having implants. Some of them were mild, like anxiety, drowsiness and some of them were extremely severe. And then found out that the FDA had recently linked a specific type of lymphoma cancer to implants. My heart stopped.
I was sick to my stomach. I called my mom crying and I said I have to get these out of my body. Now.
Not a week later I went in for a removal consultation, and walked out surrounded in peace. I now know that God gave me the obstacles so that I would ultimately find this answer.
Personally, I do not believe I have BII (breast implant illness), but at 13 years I accept that it was only a matter of time and decided to say good riddance to breast implants. FOREVER.
On March 13, I will again, risk my life and go under general anesthesia because of a choice I made at 21…for all the wrong reasons. I will permanently remove these potentially toxic plastic bags from my body, my one and only body. I will also be getting a breast lift because of all the excessive stretching these implants did to my skin.
My recovery will be no less serious than both of my cesarean sections. I won’t be able to use the restroom alone, tie my shoes, or provide and help my family.
I am crying as I type this because I am so sad for the girl that did this to herself almost 13 years ago.
But I forgive her, and I love her.
If you are thinking about altering your body, risking your life to go under the knife, I challenge you to pray on it, and make sure it’s a lifelong commitment that you are willing to make. That you are willing to spend thousands of dollars for revisions and repairs over your lifetime. That you are willing to risk your health and immunity.
I also want you to know, your self-worth comes from inside your soul. Not outside your body. And, no one else has the power to tell you what you should look like, or set the bar on your self-worth.
And for those of you that already have implants and love them? Rock on sister. Each person gets to make the choices for their life, and there is nothing wrong with that!
I am ready to love myself. Small breasts and all. I am ready to give my body the respect it deserves, I am ready to remove these plastic bags in front of my heart and lungs and hug my babies without any barriers. Heart to heart.
I ask for your prayers on my journey to my truest self. This year’s word is ‘authentic’ so here we go. Honesty and my truth, all of it. The good, the bad and the… awkward.
If you are curious, need support, or want more info I recommend one FB group in particular. It is open minded and open hearted "breast implant removal support"
If you know someone thinking about getting breast implants or suffering from breast implant illness, share this podcast episode with her. I refuse to be quiet about the things I believe in, and no one should suffer in silence.
If I can talk about this, so can you.
Love and light,
More than 364,000 women will get implants this year, according to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery; that's an increase of nearly 40% from just five years ago.
Moderate to hard scarring called capsular contracture happens in 8 -41% of saline implants and 36-81% percent of silicone ones.
About 10-18% of women have no nipple sensation up to 5 years after surgery
On February 6, 2019 the FDA wrote a letter to healthcare providers called “Breast Implant Associated-Anaplastic Large Cell Lymphoma (BIA-ALCL)” warning about the link of implants to this type of cancer.
“The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) wants to increase awareness about an association between all breast implants, regardless of filling or texture, and Breast Implant Associated- Anaplastic Large Cell Lymphoma (BIA-ALCL). The FDA received reports indicating that patients with breast implants have an increased risk of developing this disease within the scar capsule adjacent to the implant.”
For breast implant removal support, visit:
For the FDA article regarding Breast Implant Associated-Anaplastic Large Cell Lymphoma (BIA-ALCL click here.
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